If you have followed my blog for sometime, you will probably know the meaning behind the little red apple that I painted on the tree in Hugh’s nursery._MG_6719-92

My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, a baby we had nicknamed Apple.  Hence the little red apple painted on the tree….a way to remember that lost little one.  It also made painting over that tree when it was time to update Hugh’s room recently!

1 in 4 women will miscarry and it’s something that isn’t really talked about….but I really don’t think it should be hidden away and not talked about, so I’ve always been quite open in talking about Apple.

One of the hardest parts about being a business owner (and being the only employee!) is that work goes on around your world.  There is no time for illness.  In the last month and a bit my little family has been hit by colds and gastro (yep, fun!)…..and a bit more.

Now, I’m sharing something with you that not all our family and friends know (not because of secrecy, just because we have been really busy).  I had clients waiting with baited breaths for their designs, so I recently shared with them what has been holding me up too.

3 is our magical number.  The number of children my husband and I would love to have.  And after quite a few months of trying, that little test came up positive!  Ecstatic would be the word, when Matt checked it out (I was convinced it would be negative AGAIN, so Matt checked it instead of me).  Within a few hours, I’d booked in to the dr for a blood test and booked in my first appointments with my OB that would take me to 12 weeks.

I thought the blog post I would be posting now, would be an announcement…..however it wasn’t mean to be. 

Unfortunately, I lost another little one.  My 3rd child is making me work for it, I’m sure it will be a perfect one! 

I spent a Monday up at the emergency department with a drip in my hand and the nurses struggling to find decent veins to get blood from (multiple blood tests later!). I had a really fabulous Doctor.  A woman of about 50 who had obviously been through miscarriage herself (I’m finding it easier and easier to gauge who has lost little ones before).  I was telling her the standard dribble ‘not meant to be’, ‘these things happen’ etc., etc. when she told me the probably the best thing I have ever heard in response to a miscarriage.  She told me “it doesn’t matter how far along you are, this little one was already part of your family”.  (In future, if you have anyone close to you going through a miscarriage, tell them this).  And she was right.  Had we already started talking about names?  Yep.  Already contemplated the nursery?  You bet.  Loved beyond?  Yep. 

Needless to say my creativity had dwindled whilst I was off being sad and I haven’t been getting much work done.  But I’m ok.  This loss wasn’t as traumatic as my first.  It totally sucks hairy balls losing a little one that is so very wanted.  And I know I’m not alone and I know I’m lucky (totally not the right word) to have not lost more little ones.

You know what sucks as well?  When (if?) I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again, when the Doctor asks me “what number pregnancy is this?”….it will be my 5th.  Five pregnancies and only 2 babies to show for it.

I saw this post not long after I lost #4 and I think it’s wonderful.

Here’s to future babies!

7 comments

  1. Belinda, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I admire your strength and bravery to share something so close to your heart. Thank you for being so honest.

  2. Bel, it so wonderful that you have shared this. Not only to further lighten the load at your end (if that is even possible!) but also for all those other mama's out there who are trying but not quite making it. It is important for them to know that even though their baby didn't arrive, they are still mums…and that baby will ALWAYS be part of their family.
    You have two of the most beautiful boys I have every had the good fortune to meet and I know that Baby #3 WHEN he or she arrives will be just as cute and just as perfect (well, maybe even more so when they've made their arrival such a journey).
    A beautiful post x

  3. I am really sorry to hear your news. Unfortunately I know all to well about the pain of losing a little one. I had three miscarriages between my two boys. I cried reading your blog post. Although it still hurts, when I look at my youngest baby, I can't help but think that if I hadn't lost those 3 little babies, I wouldn't have THIS baby. And he is pretty perfect. You will get your much wanted 3rd child, and he/she will be perfect. Although you will never forget , or love any less, those two babies who never joined you here on Earth. Thank you for sharing. x

  4. Hi Bel

    Really really sorry to hear about your loss and your difficult times.

    What your doctor said is so so true.
    You have had 5 pregnancies and 5 babies – only 2 you were able to see and enjoy now…the other 3 I believe you will meet one day.

    I truly wish you the very best in conceiving your next bub.

    xx

    Tanya

  5. I love that line about being apart of the family no matter how far along. So true. I hope I never have to say it to anyone but will remember it just in case.

    11 pregnancies. 1 baby here today.

  6. Yes i have been following you for a while and i bet it was really hard to paint over that little apple.
    I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and i send you lots of love, strength and luck for the future.
    nicolex

  7. Oh Belinda you poor thing. I know the sadness of losing a baby. 3 was always my magic number too and we lost a little one before falling pregnant with Jarvis.

    Hugs to you and I'll be imagining up another little one for your future. Give yourself time and lots of kindness.

    xoxoxoxo

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